[Saoirse]

The thread where we all turn to advice on help for either what's ailing us romantically or just for advice in finding that special someone. We're all the patients and all the doctors. Given I can't give any worthwhile advice on relationships, but here's some general not-to-do's on a date or really any social situation


- For a suggested date, don't put "Let's go get a meal at (insert fancy-schmantzy restaurant) or let's get cocktails at this (insert post-modern, overpriced club)". I know it sucks to be in the bottom 97 percent of income-earners, but in doing one of these your potential partner will only see right through it or expect more of these kind of outings you can't afford. Lay down your guard and just say "Let's sit on my porch, listen to some songs off youtube and drink my neighbor's Busch Light and Franzia". You'll get someone who will accept you for who you really are (Given any cheap brew or wine will do, but Pabst and Yellowtail are key for scoring a twenty something hipster. Just no Steel Reserve or any beer named after your state's symbol- you want them to think you're poor but affable and honest, not downright hobo).

- Don't describe the movie "Ebola Syndrome".

- Don't ask your date if they know what you mean when you say "Riverboating".

- If you are really insecure about your lack of material goods, hide your air mattress and 2007 insignia laptop and when you take your date home looked shocked when you walk through the door and procliam "IVE BEEN ROBBED!!!"

- Eye contact is good but only in short glances. Stare too long and that just screams "Date Rapist"

- If they say they'll only listen to music if you have vinyl, they are a douche and don't bother. Vinyl is good but we're not fucking Bill Gates here, so just because we can't burn thousands of dollars on good vinyl and we listen to music off grooveshark shouldn't be a turn-off for basic entertainment on a potentially good date.

- Girls, when you look at your male date naked for the first time, the words you should definitely not say is "that's cute".



Anyways hopefully there are those luckier in love than I who can dispense more helpful advice.

[Dingerbell]

[sp4cetiger]

Oh, I have some:

Things not to say to a straight girl:

- That haircut makes you look like a dude.
- You remind me of a friend I had in college. She was a lesbian.
- You're a lot like my mom.
- I'm not saying you're not attractive, I'm just saying you don't make me think of sex.
- You look like a clown when you wear make-up. It makes me smile.
- I wouldn't leave you if you got really fat. I might not want to have sex with you, though.
- I'm not saying your music is bad, I'm just saying I don't see myself ever wanting to listen to it.

Games not to play with your significant other:

- Naming the farm animal that each of you most resembles.
- If you were going to date one of my friends, which would it be?
- Naming the best features of each of your exes

Other Tips:

- In response to "Do you think I'm getting fat?", you don't say, "Why don't you buy a scale and find out?"
- Don't laugh when she tries to act sexy.
- Never, ever side with the girl she's complaining about in her description of how her day went.

Food for thought...

[Kool Keith Sweat]

"Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle."

"Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob."

“Go hot and cold. During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.”

“As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis.”

"Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. ...Yowzah."

"Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."

"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."

"Mix a few flavors [of lube] to create new combos, like strawberry-banana."

"Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit."

[When you’ve got an annoying roommate] "Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie."

"When he's least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you're really digging around for that coinage you need. When he's good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

"Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day."

"Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face."

"As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"

"If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."

[benpaco]

Well since this became a thread of what NOT to do, I think I can help a little.

If someone you're interested in/dating says "I have a friend you could talk to" when you ask them for advice, don't talk to their friend. That's usually a "spy" of sorts who's just gonna relay whatever you say back to that person.

If you like someone in a relationship, don't.

If you still do, be honest with yourself about it, don't trick yourself, but don't tell them or talk about it too much.

If they find out, don't change how you act around them unless you absolutely HAVE to. Just act as if they don't know and it'll be better for both of you, especially in the long term.

If you used to like someone and they knew that you liked them but did not reciprocate, don't tell them "I don't like you anymore". Rather, hint at it by talking about other girls or asking for other girl advice.

Sometimes, you have to break a heart rather than dragging it out.

Never lie. Period.

Never be too hard on yourself. I am, but no one likes a charity case. Or those that do get fed up with it.

Never smother.

Take your own advice. It's a lot easier to play life from the 3rd person, but we don't get that choice.

It's OK to cry.

It's OK to be honest, even if you're worried you'll lose someone.

If an ex/someone you were interested in has a new SO, wait to talk to them about it until you've talked about other things for a bit and repaired.

Never try to get someone back. Keep acting like yourself. If they come back, they come back. If they don't, there'll be other people.

Never close off all your options by waiting. Don't wait for someone to be ready for a relationship, don't wait for someone to like you. For as much as it can feel like there's only one other person in the world, there's always more than that.

Communicate, and if the other person won't communicate back, you're going to have problems that you may not be able to fix.

If someone says "I'd like you if not for X", they may or may not mean it. Don't actually take that as a "Ooh, all I have to do is wait for X not to be there!". Whether X is anxiety, self confidence issues, an SO, family issues, whatever, take it as a compliment, but don't let that be a thing that ties you to someone.

The more paranoid you are about losing someone, the more likely you are to lose them.

If you ask how someone is and you know they're lying, sometimes it's better to give space.

If you've failed to do any/all of this, it's not too late to repair a friendship at least. There are more serious things that will make it impossible to repair a friendship, but almost always, things aren't as bad as they may seem.
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. . . 2016 . . . 2015 . . .

"While I'm alive, I'll make tiny changes to Earth" - Frightened Rabbit

[Norman Bates]

[Puncture Repair]

I only realized the other day that I had been taking relationship advice from someone who'd never been in a relationship.

[benpaco]

[Jackwc]

I don't understand love. Possibly why none of my relationships last more than a couple months. All I can tell you is not to be clingy, keep it fresh, and lying is entirely acceptable if you can properly cover your ass. Fucking someone you share a hobby with also helps for a healthy relationship I guess.

Here's some shit you can do while fucking.

If you're fucking a lady, like the heteronormative cis-scum piece of shit that you probably are, and she's riding you cowgirl and facing you, split your fingers like Spock and put wedge the base of your cock into that Spock-slot so that when she comes down her clit comes up against your knuckles.

You aren't fucking Tom Sawyer ain't that pussy ain't a fence, son, so don't be tongue-painting it. If you eat pussy like they do in pornos you're eating it wrong. For a general rule of thumb, keep your contact with a short stretch of flesh - I like to start with the pink fleshy bit under the clit and then move on to the clit itself, but I keep my licks more in key with suckles, and I keep them quick, sharp, and to the point, and I keep my fingers busy while I do.

Invoking a climax is easy. Invoking an orgasm takes patience. Most men don't know the difference and this is why most men are shitty lovers.

The clitoris has a shaft, and much like a cock, you can jerk it off.

Contrary to popular belief, there aren't a lot of girls who like to be called whores when you fuck them.
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A dick that's bigger than the sun.

Music sucks. Check out my favourite movies, fam:
http://letterboxd.com/jackiegigantic/

[Goodsir]