On his way to the varsity football game in his pickup truck, Good 'ol boy Kool Keith Sweat saw some trouble down at the local cattle ranch and sped up to lasso some poachers. One tried to get away but he shot his revolver from the hip and knocked him out cold. He was about to put them in the back of the truck to bring em to the local sherrif but then a song on Portishead's Third came on through the front speakers and he all of a sudden turned away and yelled "Oh!!! this is like among my top five trip-hop albums! Yeah!" he said, while he had his back turned towards the radio the poachers escaped. "Aw shucks" KKS said and headed back on his way to the stadium. He had a great game but just when he was about to make the game-saving tackle the one-step-ahead of him Running Back was about to play on his ultimate weakness and simply yelled "Science Funding!" as he was running towards him and Kool Keith all of a sudden froze and started blurting out "I can't believe how much they glutton the FDA but don't properly fund NASA...", and just as he realized that he was poned it was too late, they lost the game. As he was at home he cried and ate some rocky road wimpering "To--To--Top 3 Ice Creams" and decided to take his bongos out and go play in Austin. Kool Keith Sweat eventually changed his name and became film star Matthew McCoughney.
Alelsupreme- The Rightful Heir to King of the Internet
In the northern westeros kingdom of Cumbria, royalty is never factored into the equation. So it was a shock in 2025 when a young upstart dubbed Sit It shocked the world by being crowned King of the Internet by Piero Scaruffi and Al Gore. It was a long, ardous journey, but he did it. It started with finding a way to bring all the weirdos, overzealous would-be freedom fighters and downright perverts together in a forum that would make them feel safe. He had four ways to go, and he counted on his best friend Chan to lead him there. Thus began the journey that eventually led to more groundbreaking ventures: a photo-uploading site for unsavory individuals, the enabling of people to comment on youtube and eventually a hit single for the bright young houston rapper named Viper to remind everyone out there why they shouldn't be a coward. Eventually he found religion through John Coltrane's A Love Supreme, but that didn't stop him from spreading the Human Filth gospel. After he succeeded in turning a meek young San Antonio geogolist into getting more people to type UU*4*2*UU into google searches, he knew nobody could top him now. After lighting up that crack pipe, cause he wasn't a coward, he got a call from the two men who invented the internet with the ultimate crowning achievement a man of his particular skills could ever achieve. He made it. The newly dubbed Alelsupreme now could finally just sit back and enjoy the soul-destroying mayhem of the internet that was now under his iron thumb.
Dalig, also known as DLG, was an irish student attending school in Dallas, Texas for some reason when he met a pecuilar new student named Jay. Initially he was hostile due to the kid's constant moral high-ground stances and megalomanic urges to change the school's name, but by constantly going after him DLG was smacked by a sudden realization: he was madly in love. Yes this kid may have been accidentaly abrasive to the extreme, but DLG realized he loved the many imperfections and couldn't take his mind off this one known as Jay. Initially he proposed help with homework over this new thing called webcat, which eventually turned into DLG asking for special dances. Jay concured, and DLG dubbed him "his webcam prince". DLG couldn't stop thinking about him, as Jay continiously dominated all of his sexiest nightmares. Everything seemed to be going swell until one day DLG saw Jay in the hall gushing over a sunglass-donning, curly haired band student who only communicated through his Saxophone. Stunned and emotinally distraught, DLG approached Jay and said tremously "Hey?", but Jay only gave a non-verbal response and instantly went back to gushing over this new sax-blowing stranger. DLG was furious and heartbroken that his sugar plum betrayed him like this. In order to retain his honor, he challenged this Kool Kat to a deul. His opponet chose his sax as the weapon, DLG chose a Nine. Needless to say DLG was the one to survive. "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD" said a spectating friend named Patrick McMan, "THEY'RE GOING TO BE AFTER YOU FOR THIS. YOU MUST RUN, FAR AWAY!" So DLG took a napsack and got a fake ID with the name Johnny Parsons and glumly headed east.
THE STRANGE AND OFTEN EROTIC JOURNEY OF GEEVY DALLAS
Our hero found a job as a prop master at a New Jersey wrestling ring, for which he was able to meet many of the up-and-coming WWE superstars, and it was perhaps serendipity that he met an unknown named Rob Van Dam who grabbed hold of him and asked him if he could fill in for his passed-out partner for Tag Team night. DLG enthusiastically answered "Yes!" and sooner than he could spank a ginger he was behind the ropes, watching this mammoth of a man knocking his opponet cold, it might have been fake but DLG didn't care, he was in aww, when it was his turn he simply made sure he stayed standing up and tired out the opponet so Rob could easily take him down, it was a success and later that night they celebrated with some Murphys and a Super Nintendo Mario Kart tournament and laughed and had fun until Rob Van Dam suddenly got accosted by a little man holding a briefcase and said sadly he had to go away for a long while, DLG was stunned and a bit hurt but realized this was the way it had to be and decided to head up to new york when the wrestling ring closed down, unfortunately he had no means for employment so he had to make money entering underground kickboxing tournaments, after one particuarly brutal fight he saw his opponet in the light for the first time and said "Oh my god! Superstar Jean-Claude Van-Dame, I loved you in Street Fighter!" and Jean-Claude Van Dame smiled and said thank you in Flemish or something and asked if he wanted to come back to hollywood and be an extra in his movie The Quest and DLG said fuck ya and so he played the entire movie in mask and communicated in grunts and made some money, but eventually shooting ended and the movie flopped so he decided to head back to New Jersey where he served as a PA for actor James Gandolfini, who asked him what he thought of this Sopranos script and DLG said it wasn't a good future prospect but Gandolfini said he already signed and DLG said Im sorry but hopefully it works out and was eventually fired after the first season, so he decided to head across the pond near home in England as he layed low playing second-string midfielder to West Ham reserves during the day and hung out with an aspiring musician named Pete Doherty at night, and while he enjoyed many nights of model-banging eventually an American fan spotted him and DLG overhead "IS THAT THE ONE FROM DALLAS?" and DLG said "I got to getz out of here" and took a plane to Toronto where he worked as an extra on Degrassi: the Next Generation where he was suddenly enraptured by the one known as Aubrey Graham, theidr relationship was wild with every encounter ending with the Graham saying "Hold on, hold on, we're going home!! oh yeah!" and it was all well and swell until DLG carelessly yelled the name "Drake!" in bed one night and Graham felt shocked and hurt and eventually they had the awkward conversation that this relationship wasn't going anywhere and they were after different things as DLG held his hand and just said "Take Care" before leaving him forever, he took a train down to Maryland and eventually ended up on the rough streets of Baltimore where he soon became the personal runner for a ruthless gangster named Slim Charles who only refered to him mockingly as Jeeves, and after many intense near death experiences revelaed that they were really just shooting a television show called The Wire, DLG laughed and accidently slipped that his real name wasn't Johnny Parsons, realizing what he done DLG scatted back to Bristol where he ended up meeting two redheaded twins who claimed they were from some TV show too but that didn't matter as he gave them the ultimate religious experience, changing how they felt and thought about life, and after they layed sweaty and exhausted DLG was too late to the realization he was in a trap, he was eventually brought, chained and gagged, to a fubu-wearing ginger male and burly blonde dubbed Lethal and The Sun, respectively, who wanted him to do unspeakable acts against innocent little animals, but DLG refused and eventually ended up being booted to the wilds of Russia, where after eventually finding refuge in the big city he ended up at a hidden concert for an underground punk band called Pussy Riot and eventually ended up with some excited fans who took him to the back room and played a game called Smack the Putin and while DLG enjoyed this immensely he knew he had to get back home so he took the next flight back to London and stayed at a hotel and was eventually accosted by Winter's Bone star Jennifer Lawrence who took him back to her room and grabbed him by his belt and said "Im going to make you my tribute!" and they did it like appalachian wild dogs and finished off with some Golden Archery, Kentucky Style, with DLG all unaware she was simply rehearsing for a new movie and he just said after it was all done "I loved you in the Bill Engvall show" and departed back to the northern isles where deep in the scottish wilderness he thought he met a sphinx but it just turned out to be Game of Thrones star Natalie Dormier and he kept looking at her eyes and realized exactly what he needed to do, after thanking her for showing him the right path he left back for the states and ran into rapper Lil B and they got to talking and B said he was such a witty invidivual and asked if he would ghost-write his memoir Who Helps Love U, DLG consented and later that month they got tattoos #STAYBASED and Lil B said that Nas personally thanked you many years ago for inspiring the line "Clothes, Bankrolls and Hoes", he replied and DLG scratched his head and remebered mailing a letter with that title to Colombia records many years ago and said Id be damned, and he and Lil B had a good partnership but eventually ended in a lawsuit over who owned swag, and DLG moved back to LA to try and get a part in the movie John Carter but didn't succeed, he ended up joining an aspring art-rock group called Warpaint and they had fun as they often splashed paint all over each other during song brainstorming sessions while DLG gleefuly splashed something else, but eventually they kicked him out over difference of opinion over artistic direction and he eventually shelled up with a dank-smoking hipster chick who thought she was best on this coast, DLG said sure and eventually he started snorting the coke over her best coast and madly she kicked him out of the place and un-relatedly made him the inspiration for the song Boyfriend, unfortunately in the meantime he was once again broke and had nowhere to go as he ended up at an upstate New York boarding house where he was terrified one morning when he thought a dragon was in his face but it turned out to be Waka Flame waking him up with "DO YOU WANT SOME PANCACKES?!!!!" in a deafening yell, DLG said "Yeezus! but yes I do" and just ate the syrup, he eventually had to work as a butler and while during one job in a mansion he went up to the attic and saw a large-lipped girl on a throne, surronded by lions, who called him her National Anthem or something of that regard and he smiled and gave the one (eyed) salute to the american flag that was hanging from the rafters and then the fun commenced, they played some video games afterwards but eventually DLG said he had to go, and went back out on the streets and saw a sign for a place called B.E.A, intrigued he asked the man at the door if he could go in and the attendant said sure, all he needed was an email address and a name to be called by while he was in here, now DLG was a man of many aliases and many lives led, but without hesitation our hero just smiled and said "call me Geevy. Geevy Dallas"
Last edited by Saoirse on 01/15/2014 18:42; edited 1 time in total
Now I could do an elaborate write-up or just make a bunch of pointless british dentistry jokes, but instead Im going to heed the advice he gave when he sat down for an interview some months back and hope BEA joins in a group listen of:
And again thank you Alel for putting on a great awards show and hopefully we'll have an even crazier, cookier and downright sexier time next year. Until then, stay lively dahlings
Saoirse, I'm in tears, I cannot stop laughing. The whole library thinks I'm crazy. That is genuinely the best thing I've ever read, absolutely honoured for that write up. I will take that to the grave, and read it to my first born every night. Thanks very much, ily
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
.jpg)
LETHAL NEZZLE!!!!!!!!
