Eggman/Walrus/Taxman's book(s)

[Facetious]

It's not the same book, but I'm currently working on the text for a picture book. The text will be based upon a story written by a friend of mine (the final draft of which, edited by me, can be found here: http://www.worthyofpublishing.com/book....k_ID=22184) and he will probably provide the illustrations.

Here's the beginning (this will probably be somewhere between 1/3 to 1/4 of the final product):

I

Mr. Chengez Khan lived in Athletes' Town in a nice comfortable house and his parents lived in an asylum. Now you know how he got that name.
As for Athletes' Town, I don't really know why they call it that, because it's not like it is a breeding ground for athletes. At least not in its current form, God knows what it used to be like years ago.
Anyway, this man lived here with his wife, six children (Abdullah the eldest, Ammar, Atif and Aqil who were triplets, and Ali and Adil who were twins) and brother (named Abdur Rahim who in turn had a wife and two children, 7-year-old Abdul Qayyum and 5-year-old Abdur Rehman). Apparently his parents' obsession with the letter A at the very least carried on in their sons. It's a pity because I've become tired of that letter already and there are a lot of A's left to be used in this story.
Please don't yell at me to start the story already. I'm as excited as you are. Introducing characters is the bane of my life anyway.

II

This story starts on a Monday when the six brothers along with their two cousins were going to their school, Alpha School System for those interested in this kind of useless information. Every day, on their way they passed a sweet factory which had been closed for a long time.

This sweet factory happened to be quite famous, less because of the quality of its sweets (though that was actually very high as most who have tried them will tell you) than because of the mysterious circumstances under which it closed. I'm not going to give any details just yet though.

These boys had always noticed the factory, but today they, Ali in particular, were starting to think that maybe they ought to break into the factory and get some sweets for themselves. The only boy who objected was Abdullah, ironically the most intelligent and sensible boy of them all. He was forced to shut up because Ali, ironically the stupidest of them all, called him a "coward".

The time that was agreed upon was 5:30 p.m. for some reason. The kids slipped out of the house then (I still have no idea how the parents failed to notice this at first) and ran to the factory. They walked around the factory trying to find some way in. They considered climbing up the walls because the gates were covered with sharp spikes, which actually was quite easy to do and makes me wonder how it's even possible no one had tried to break into that factory before.

Just as they were going to go ahead with that plan, Abdullah, bless that kid, found that the gates weren't even closed. I know that's crazy, but stay with me for a while. It gets crazier. [This last paragraph is going to be revised soon by discussion with the friend who wrote the original, so don't anybody go complaining about it]

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I'd love to get feedback for this.

[Guest]

While I do live a narrator with personality and a presence, maybe that could be toned down a bit so as not to take the attention away from the story. Also, I think it is a tad rushed and needs more time for character development. Don't tell us that Abdullah is intelligent and sensible, show it, and same with Ali. I guess it is a picture book, but all the above still applies. Probably. Also, your tone comes off as a bit cold and sarcastic when picture books do well with warm, friendly tones. It is kind of funny that it is as if you're a narrator hanging out in the clouds watching these kids thinking, "What the hell are they doing?" "They agreed upon 5.30 for some reason." You should probably take out the "for some reason", it just makes it awkward. So...meow meow meow meow meow. It's definitely an improvement over the original though.

[Facetious]