[Jackwc]

[JMan]

[Jackwc]

Dave and myself have something big cooking up for this thread. Juuust you wait.
_________________
A dick that's bigger than the sun.

Music sucks. Check out my favourite movies, fam:
http://letterboxd.com/jackiegigantic/

[Jackwc]

Dave and myself have spent the last few months having occasional conversations about what we'd do to make the Star Wars prequels good, neither of us partiiiicularly big fans of the originals. We repurposed a lot of characters and changed a lot of events and also just generally made it a darker character piece. Just recently we decided to compile all that and give you:

SquishypuffDave & Jackwc Present:
STAR WARS: EPISODE I: A PLANET IN CHAINS

Director: Alejandro González Iñárritu
Screenwriters: Jackwc & SquishypuffDave
Music: the original John Williams score reimagined by Hans Zimmer
George Lucas: nowhere fucking near anything to do with this movie

Obi-Wan Kenobi – Ewan McGregor
Qui-Gon Jin – Liam Neeson
Anakin Skywalker – Heath Ledger
Mace Windu – Lance Reddick
Palpatine/Darth Sidious – Ian McDiarmid
Count Dooku – Christopher Lee
Watto – Mark Boone Junior (also, in this he's human. Suck it.)
Anakin’s Mother – Sally Field
Teder’ah “Ted” Nass – Mackenzie Cook

PLOT SUMMARY:

The galaxy is on the brink of Civil War. A series of outer-rim planets led by a gentry slaver named Count Dooku is demanding the right to succeed from the Republic, as the Republic is calling for an end to slavery and this would affect their livelihoods. The Confederacy blockades the desert planet of Tatooine – a planet that completely depends on off-planet supplies in order to survive. Unless the Republic gives in to their demands, they’re going to let the planet of Tatooine starve to death.

On the planet’s surface, Qui-Gon Jin and his young apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi have been sent down to act as bodyguards for a young diplomat, Queen Padme Amidala, who has come to persuade the local government to emancipate their slaves and fears for her safety as the planet is very pro-slave. A naïve and impulsive Obi-Wan wishes they could have some proper action instead of baby-sitting some prissy noble – his wish is answered when the Confederacy’s blockade begins starving the planet, leading to near-fucking-anarchy and a total Mad Max situation.

Qui-Gon is concerned so he contacts Mace Windu, who had sent him on this mission in the first place. Mace is concerned with the extent of how fucked shit is getting, so considers consulting Yoda who is presently off being super-busy and doing Yoda shit. Palpatine, intermediary between the Jedi Council and the Senate is all like: “No, bro, it’s cool, your boys can handle this. It will be over in no time, they can handle this, and the Confederacy will totally puss out.”

Of course, as we the audience know, Palpatine is in fact the dark lord Darth Sidious. Dude has some deep-seated grudge with the Jedi Council and the way they handle shit. Palpatine had been the one who convinced Dooku to get the civil war rolling because it fit into his convoluted plan to eradicate the Jedi. Dooku contacts him and berates him about his oversight – there were not meant to be representatives of the Republic on Tattooine when the planet was blockaded. Palpatine calls in a favour and instructs Darth Maul, a contract killer, darkly stoic in an almost “evil stoner” sense, to neatly and efficiently dispatch of the two Jedi. Maul storms the embassy, killing Padme’s guards, but finds that she and the Jedi are long gone.

As Mace Windu advised, Padme and the Jedi have left the embassy to take refuge elsewhere as many of the planet’s slavers are out to kill her. Ironically, they find refuge with a rather racist moisture farmer, Watto, who employs quite a lot of slaves – think “the Calvin Candy of the Star Wars universe”. It’s not ideal, but Watto’s place has been seriously well fortified in lieu of the anarchy outside and is probably the safest place they could be. Watto has no idea that Padme is here to help abolish slavery (Qui-Gon has told her specifically not to make any mention of her anti-slave dispositions or she could be putting herself in danger), and even at many points tries not so subtly to get Padme to take the side of the slavers when she gets back to Coruscant (the reason he’s letting them stay with him). On his moisture farm, the Jedi meet Anakin, a slave that Qui-Gon senses is very strong with the force. Padme, being very sympathetic to the slaves, bonds with Anakin and a connection forms. Obi-Wan is jealous of Anakin as he has developed feelings for Padme and dislikes that Qui-Gon seems to be more interested in Anakin than in him. This is really pushed when he finds Qui-Gon asking Mace Windu to make Obi-Wan a Jedi Knight so that he can train Anakin and see him to his full potential (Mace Windu says no, of course, as Obi-Wan is still young and naïve and not responsible enough to take on a trainee of his own). Obi-Wan, in his angst, ends up going to that tavern from Episode IV and gets into a fight to ease his rage.

Meanwhile, Anakin saves stupid Padme from being killed by some lunatics (shit is all Mad Max, remember?). Padme is trying to comfort Anakin, as Anakin is distraught about his status as a slave and perceived go-nowhere life. Padme is all “Don’t worry, I’m going to help abolish slavery!” Well, Watto gets wind of this and he’s pissed. Watto tells a bunch of slavers who Padme is and that she’s staying on his property. There's this really tense dinner scene afterwards during which Watto confronts them and Obi-Wan is forced to subdue him. The moisture farm goes under siege by a horde of radical slavers. A massive fucking riot breaks out and the Jedi, with help from the slaves, among them Anakin, hole out in the farm and attempt to fend off the attackers. Lots of Anakin’s friends, and his mom, die in the ensuing carnage. The Jedi escape with Anakin and Padme and, utilizing a failsafe Watto had installed, blow up the compound dramatically.

This chaos draws the Confederacy onto the planet to try and keep order. The Republic sees this as being an official act of invasion, and so they break the ceasefire and fire on the blockade. Darth Maul, who has been playing evil Sherlock up until now, has deduced that the Jedi are probably at the moisture farm and follows their trail. The Jedi realize they’re being followed and Anakin suggests they take refuge with a friend of his – Ted the spice trader, who Anakin had met on illicit errands for Watto. They drop off Padme and Anakin (whom Qui-Gon instructs to protect Padme; Obi-Wan gets jealous of this) and the Jedi drive off in Watto’s speeder to try to lure away Maul who they think is here to kill Padme. Maul comes out of nowhere and totals the vehicle as they drive through the middle of nowhere, trapping Obi-Wan under the debris and injuring Qui-Gon. Darth Maul picks up Obi-Wan’s lightsaber, which has fallen on the ground, and fights Qui-Gon while Obi-Wan helplessly watch. Qui-Gon is slaughtered and Obi-Wan sobs, screaming abuse at Maul, who coldly leaves Obi-Wan there to die.

Anakin is keeping watch outside Ted’s house, and sees Maul drive past. Anakin puts two and two together, and believes Maul has killed the Jedi. He goes to collect the bodies but finds Obi-Wan still alive. Taking him back to Ted’s, they treat Obi-Wan’s wounds and let him cry himself to sleep. The next morning Ted informs the group that the blockade is over – Obi-Wan offers to train Anakin and Anakin agrees. Before he is set to meet Padme and Obi-Wan at the docking bay however, Anakin tracks down Watto and, in a display of shockingly out-of-character brutality, viciously murders him.

THE END
_________________
A dick that's bigger than the sun.

Music sucks. Check out my favourite movies, fam:
http://letterboxd.com/jackiegigantic/

[SquishypuffDave]

(Next two coming soon.)

[nutso42]

I've always thought a key problem with The Hunger Games is the casting. I mean, the plot is essentially young people killing each other... enjoyable enough. But why cast Jennifer Lawrence? She's never done anything to me that would make me enjoy watching her in peril. Therefore, I would remake Hunger Games with a cast where I would ENJOY watching them beat each other up.

Justin Bieber
Selena Gomez
Demi Levato
All three Jonas Brothers
Miley Cyrus
Dakota Fanning
Lindsay Lohan

Would make it even better knowing only two come out!

[19loveless91]

[SquishypuffDave]

[19loveless91]

[SquishypuffDave]

Yuo cut me deep bro. You cut me real deep.