Bad Poetry Contest - Authors Revealed! - Tournaments

Anonymous · 2014-12-13T12:16:03-05:00

Okay, so we got an interesting variety of bad poems, some of which were downright disturbing. So I'll post them all below with the titles, and you can vote on which one you think is worst. After we have a clear winner I'll reveal the user(s) behind the poems. Please refrain from voting for your own poems. And I'd like one writer to note I made slight edits to their poem out of fear of incurring the mod's wrath for posting it in its original version. Sorry. EDIT: It seems the clear winner is "Yuck" followed in a close second by "Why 99% of Pet Store Owners Give Me Funny Looks". Therefore, please see below to learn the identity of each of the authors. Massif - by Craola glassy-eyed girls with honey on their lips got the midas touch at their fingertips make their moves while they’ve still got the hips but woman after woman is a sinking ship with plastic breasts countering low relief they polish up and paint their wooden teeth waiting on a sappy sucker to unsheath but they have got no heart beneath be my iron lung; i’ll hold you through the night we’ll lie together - to ourselves - say it’s alright and sure, your heart’ll wound me, but the truth's a wrench so i slip a little sigh and then i hold you tight our pacemakers resound: an ever-slowing thud just need a body bag to circulate my blood lying to ourselves; we say we don't believe in love lying to each other; saying, "it’s you i love" and baby, when you kiss me, you’re the sweetest drug but i'll shrug you like the past when the day is done cause there’s nothing new underneath this raging sun and there’s nothing to go back to when you’ve come undone The Inhumanity of Man - by alelsupreme Warring nations, stalls selling death Anarchy rules as man fights Man Raw recruits jumping over wire Is this really for the best? Surely not War brings nothing Housing cannot be built when you spend all on death Certainly, war Kills us all? Fresh is the Art - by Craola you wasted all your love letters on all the wrong lovers...ex-lovers you found yourself a new girl and now you have to write another and though you know she’s the one the words are tied to your tongue because you’ve used them before your relinquished rapport WHY 99% OF PET STORE OWNERS GIVE ME FUNNY LOOKS - noWaxJim I had a hamster He looked like a rat He ate his tail What a twat I had a mouse It couldn’t want for more Until one day I dropped it on the floor I had a gerbil He loved his wheel Until one day He felt quite e-ill And died I had a rabbit He looked like Bonehead (from Oasis) His end alas was inevitable: Acute Myxomatosis I had a very furry pig I think he came from Guinea So I sent him back there for a laugh In a manila bag by Jiffy. It’s a shame these things have happened Pet owning doomed to fail So this Christmas please don’t get me A snail. Or a budgie come to think of it. Desire - SuedeSwede You make my heart burn, Like a fire, Your love only gives me, Desire, When I'm with you I burn, Like a fireplace, I look at you and I, See into space, Give me your heart and I, Will give you mine, But don't and I, Will break your spine, Then I will chop you up, And put you in a soup, I'll eat you up in seconds, And you'll be in my poop If Everyone Was a Gummy Bear - nutso42 If everyone was a gummy bear We'd still have problems but we wouldn't care Everything around us, all we see Would be soft and squishy and gelatiny Nothing in the world would be unhappy We would live life would no anxiety We'd die of diabetes but we wouldn't care Because the whole world is a gummy bear! We could dance all night, until the break of dawn And as bears we wouldn't need to have pants on! Every single one would have a chance To partake in a stupid Hawaiian dance If everyone was a gummy bear We'd all get along and learn to share We'd declare war on those stupid gummy worms Until they surrender and agree to our terms We'd be their masters, oppressive kings and queens! And slaughter all of those jelly beans They'll plead for mercy but we won't care For now the whole world is a gummy bear! We danced all night on the graves of our foes Until their guts squished between our toes But more came around, without a call And in our stupor, they killed us all Cherry Street - NickVolos And what is your life worth? A few drinks to wash your sorrows away? Gathering of friends? A smile tergiversating, Painted untrue on your face? Plangent destructions! Placebos and illusions! Strive and struggle oh Soul, Strum on life's chords! Do not pawn the music you might scent In your mind's corners For a few drinks At Cherry Street tonight... The Hair of my Shoes - JMan I saw a fudge in my old slippers, it wore shiny hair. It sparkled gay, and his nutcrack was scented with flair. If I had a penny, I would sell it for the hair and Letterman. And drink my tea while stroking my sexy pet cutterpin. And I saw Lewis Carroll. I made out with him good. But then I realized I was a donkey. I looked down at my legs, all gangstas in the hood. And all my hair was really rubber, like a donkey. Now my tea tastes like cutterpins, and my shoes like cheese. I could chew on my shoes all day if I please. And wonder why one shoe is a snail, and one is a flea, While I watch my fudge's soft and bouncy ha-a-a-a-aiiiiiirrrr.... Flow gently in the breeze. Yuck - Muslim-Bigfoot My father left me; at the altar. This was a dream I had; it's called Oedipus complication, or something like that. I am my parents' only son, so this is a big blow to evolution; But there's always a solution. Everyone's like "oh, that's gross" "you want to ---- your father?" "No", I said, "I want them both". You're probably thinking: "This is just a smutty joke; Perhaps you're on rum & coke". soak, poke, choke, baroque you don't understand this poem it's just a fine pig, in a poke. "---- off", you say; "you're not serious. How can you write something this gay, on a dream so delirious"; But you don't get this ukiyo-ye. See, everyone wants his father to ---- him Stop for a moment and think about it. Just pause reading this poem and contemplate your every dream Stop reading this right now So you can get why and how I'm telling you, don't continue exactly how thick are you? S---, this is a semantic loop But I certainly assure you My father and I are going to elope. Wreckless Abandon - Craola plundering purity in wreckless abandon and hopeless progression eschewing nothing obfuscating the masses who blunder about unaware of the mannequins pulling the strings with puppet tears and plastic faces slim as the ace tucked up your sleeve with a diet of the same familiar and vulnerable confident and insecure curtains collide in the cataclysmic catastrophe all my glories end that way

Bad Poetry Contest - Authors Revealed!

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Poll: Which Poem Is Worst?

Massif:	6%	[2]
The Inhumanity of Man:	13%	[4]
Fresh is the Art:	0%	[0]
Why 99% of Pet Store Owners Give Me Funny Looks:	24%	[7]
Desire:	10%	[3]
The World's a Gummy Bear:	3%	[1]
Cherry Street:	0%	[0]
The Hair of My Shoes:	6%	[2]
Yuck:	31%	[9]
Wreckless Abandon:	3%	[1]

Total Votes : 29

nutso42

noWaxJim wrote:

A great pity that this contest got lost in the ether somehow. Have a post-Xmas bump, if only so we can all find out when the men in white coats are coming for the author of 'Yuck' (and I'm not talking about the Polyphonic Spree).

I'll admit I was slightly worried as to whether I could get away with actually allowing that one to get through, but all seems well so far (not to mention it's now tied with our former reigning champion, the Pet Store Owners one....)

nutso42

After a considerable time open, it seems our winner is "Yuck" with "Why 99% of Pet Store Owners Give Me Funny Looks" coming in second.

Therefore, the authors have now been revealed. Please enjoy the newfound respect or disgust you now have with several of our community members.

Jimmy Dread Old skool like Happy Shopper Moderator Profile
555 Dub Street

Man alive, Craola's like a one-man bad poetry army.

Shame to 'lose' to Mr. Bigfoot, but comforted in the fact that the authorities won't be coming for me any time soon. Unless the RSPCA counts.
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nutso42 wrote:

The Hair of my Shoes - JMan

I saw a fudge in my old slippers, it wore shiny hair.
It sparkled gay, and his nutcrack was scented with flair.
If I had a penny, I would sell it for the hair and Letterman.
And drink my tea while stroking my sexy pet cutterpin.

And I saw Lewis Carroll. I made out with him good.
But then I realized I was a donkey.
I looked down at my legs, all gangstas in the hood.
And all my hair was really rubber, like a donkey.

Now my tea tastes like cutterpins, and my shoes like cheese.
I could chew on my shoes all day if I please.
And wonder why one shoe is a snail, and one is a flea,
While I watch my fudge's soft and bouncy ha-a-a-a-aiiiiiirrrr....
Flow gently in the breeze.

JMan?

Why am I not surprised 😜

nutso42

Facetious wrote:

JMan?

Why am I not surprised :P

"Sexy pet cutterpin" really should have given it away.

I kind of want to turn each of these poems into songs and make it into another BEA album. I've already got music for "If Everyone Was a Gummy Bear".

JMan

nutso42 wrote:

"Sexy pet cutterpin" really should have given it away.

Hooowww...?

nutso42 wrote:

I kind of want to turn each of these poems into songs and make it into another BEA album. I've already got music for "If Everyone Was a Gummy Bear".

I don't think I want to hear that travesty as a song...

undefined

JMan wrote:

I desperately need to hear that beauty as a song...

FIFY

Facetious Profile
Somewhere you've never been

nutso42 wrote:

Every time I read the word "hair" in a JMan post, I am reminded of his ass-wiping post 😐

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pdx

nutso42 wrote:

Should make it sound as much like Arcade Fire as possible 😜
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Goodsir

Facetious wrote:

Every time I read the word "hair" in a JMan post, I am reminded of his ass-wiping post :|

🤣

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