feedback on my new screenplay story? - Lounge

Imbacktosavethuniverse

Gender: Male
Age: 50
Location: Hampton, New Hampshire

Since this awful place is built on negitivity and horrible comments, I'm pretty sure you guys will be pretty ear if it sucks or not.

I think it's playng a little close to the Outsiders movie, this is just a very early draft though

In the 1960’s, in a small town, a gang war was fought out, between an evil, bad gang (‘bad gang’, I guess) and a ‘good gang’ after a few years, the bad gang won the war, and took over the town.

Flash forward to the mid-90’s,where the cops are gaining some power back, and the bad gang’s sons now rule the town, and the good gang’s sons live in the run-down part of town. They have both called a truce though, not to attack each other. But, if someone from one gang kills someone from another, that gang has permission to kill him.

From The ‘good gang’ (fuck me for being terrible with names), most of the sons are in their teenage years, 14-17. The story focuses on all the members, but, the main charicters are leader Jack, and his sidekick Mikey.

One day, a member of the bad gang, Kevin, gets so drunk and starts hitting on Jack’s girlfriend, Jack gets angry and the two have a fight, Jack stabs Kevin.
Kevin doesn’t die, but, goes to the hospital and is in bad condition, The bad gang tell Jack that if Kevin dies, they then have permission to come after Jack.

Most of the plot now becomes a coming-of-age story between the good gang, while they wait for Kevin’s fate. One day, Kevin eventually dies and the bad gang come after Jack. They bring him to the school football field, where they are going to execute him. Mikey finds him, and Jack tells Mikey to run away.

But, Mikey instead goes and gets the rest of the kids from the gang and they diecide to go save Jack. They outnumber the bad gang, all charge at them. The bad gang thinks they must have guns or weapons, so, they shoot them all dead. But, spare Jack’s life.

Now all mass-murderers, the bad gang must leave town, and they do. After 20 years, the good guys take their town back.

Thougths? Questions? I’d like to hear back. Thanks!

Hayden

Location: CDMX

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

Since this awful place is built on negitivity and horrible comments, I'm pretty sure you guys will be pretty ear if it sucks or not.

Hey

We prefer the term 'helpful criticism' Smile

And the script obviously has to be done still (or maybe it is, don't know), but the synopsis of the story is decent enough Smile

albummaster
Janitor

Gender: Male
Location: Spain
Site Admin

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

Since this awful place is built on negitivity and horrible comments, I'm pretty sure you guys will be pretty ear if it sucks or not.

I suggest learning English first before starting scriptwriting.

videoheadcleaner
formerly Harkan

Gender: Male
Age: 38

Since I do some scriptwriting in my spare time, I thought I would butt in.

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

In the 1960’s, in a small town, a gang war was fought out, between an evil, bad gang (‘bad gang’, I guess) and a ‘good gang’ after a few years, the bad gang won the war, and took over the town.

How small will this town be? Do we care what happens in this town? This start is similar to other stories out there so it needs something unique that makes us want to focus on this town. Oil, gold, drugs?

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

Flash forward to the mid-90’s,where the cops are gaining some power back, and the bad gang’s sons now rule the town, and the good gang’s sons live in the run-down part of town. They have both called a truce though, not to attack each other. But, if someone from one gang kills someone from another, that gang has permission to kill him.

From The ‘good gang’ (fuck me for being terrible with names), most of the sons are in their teenage years, 14-17. The story focuses on all the members, but, the main charicters are leader Jack, and his sidekick Mikey.

For names: get a baby name book and just tag good or interesting names. I think Jack is okay but Mikey seems to be an easy gangster name. Nicknames for gang members are good at times.

Story: Getting visions of Stand By Me for some odd reason. Maybe it is the age thing.

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

One day, a member of the bad gang, Kevin, gets so drunk and starts hitting on Jack’s girlfriend, Jack gets angry and the two have a fight, Jack stabs Kevin.
Kevin doesn’t die, but, goes to the hospital and is in bad condition, The bad gang tell Jack that if Kevin dies, they then have permission to come after Jack.

Most of the plot now becomes a coming-of-age story between the good gang, while they wait for Kevin’s fate. One day, Kevin eventually dies and the bad gang come after Jack. They bring him to the school football field, where they are going to execute him. Mikey finds him, and Jack tells Mikey to run away.

But, Mikey instead goes and gets the rest of the kids from the gang and they diecide to go save Jack. They outnumber the bad gang, all charge at them. The bad gang thinks they must have guns or weapons, so, they shoot them all dead. But, spare Jack’s life.

Now all mass-murderers, the bad gang must leave town, and they do. After 20 years, the good guys take their town back.

I think the foundation for a decent story is there but more procrasinating to do.

Since they are all of school age, there needs to be a connection at the high school to the gangs with maybe some teachers secretly part of gangs and treat the children of the opposing gang harshly.

The initial gang war could have ended with the 'bad gang' winning still but the warfare going cold and underground until Jack starts a rivalry with Kevin?

As albummaster said, make sure you can articulate what you want to do as errors can get in the way of good storytelling.

Wombi

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

Since this awful place is built on negitivity and horrible comments, I'm pretty sure you guys will be pretty ear if it sucks or not.

So the same guy who started this thread

http://www.besteveralbums.com/phpBB2/vi...mp;start=0

is complaining about BEA being negative and still none of us know what horrors befell you here that made you so unhappy with it.

Robert Anton Wilson
Epic Proghead

Gender: Male
Age: 56
Location: Inside

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

... so, they shoot them all dead. But, spare Jack’s life.

Now all mass-murderers, the bad gang must leave town, and they do. After 20 years, the good guys take their town back.

I like how the good guys take back the town by being shot dead. These guys are the ultimate anti-heroes.

40footwolf

Gender: Male
Age: 33

You have sort of a bizarre notion of how gangs work.

Besides that, the questions I have are limitless: Why do the good guys charge at the bad guys with no weapons? Why do they spare Jack's life, and why do they wait so long to kill him once they bring him to the field? Why don't the police arrest everyone in the bad gang for killing everyone in the good gang out in the open? For that matter, why is the "good" gang good, what separates them from being as evil as the bad gang?

Just...none of this makes any sense. You need to go back and think the logistics of this story through.
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GARY

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

Since this awful place is built on negitivity and horrible comments,

Your post is built on negativity and horrible comments.

Suggested reading for the day,

Thumbnail. Click to enlarge.

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And all I got was this silly hat

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purple

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

Since this awful place is built on negitivity and horrible comments, I'm pretty sure you guys will be pretty ear if it sucks or not.

I think it's playng a little close to the Outsiders movie, this is just a very early draft though

In the 1960’s, in a small town, a gang war was fought out, between an evil, bad gang (‘bad gang’, I guess) and a ‘good gang’ after a few years, the bad gang won the war, and took over the town.

Flash forward to the mid-90’s,where the cops are gaining some power back, and the bad gang’s sons now rule the town, and the good gang’s sons live in the run-down part of town. They have both called a truce though, not to attack each other. But, if someone from one gang kills someone from another, that gang has permission to kill him.

From The ‘good gang’ (fuck me for being terrible with names), most of the sons are in their teenage years, 14-17. The story focuses on all the members, but, the main charicters are leader Jack, and his sidekick Mikey.

One day, a member of the bad gang, Kevin, gets so drunk and starts hitting on Jack’s girlfriend, Jack gets angry and the two have a fight, Jack stabs Kevin.
Kevin doesn’t die, but, goes to the hospital and is in bad condition, The bad gang tell Jack that if Kevin dies, they then have permission to come after Jack.

Most of the plot now becomes a coming-of-age story between the good gang, while they wait for Kevin’s fate. One day, Kevin eventually dies and the bad gang come after Jack. They bring him to the school football field, where they are going to execute him. Mikey finds him, and Jack tells Mikey to run away.

But, Mikey instead goes and gets the rest of the kids from the gang and they diecide to go save Jack. They outnumber the bad gang, all charge at them. The bad gang thinks they must have guns or weapons, so, they shoot them all dead. But, spare Jack’s life.

Now all mass-murderers, the bad gang must leave town, and they do. After 20 years, the good guys take their town back.

Thougths? Questions? I’d like to hear back. Thanks!

A 'good gang' vs. a 'bad gang' is pretty classic for a reason, so you should explore it. However, you should focus on why the 'good gang' is 'good' and why the 'bad gang' is 'bad,' then you might have something worth working with. I.E. you need to define the moral code by which you define each gang, and if that moral code (esp. for the 'good gang') is contrary to the accepted moral code then your story may be interesting for a movie... you never have a chance at a novel unless you really build the screenplay out...

Jackwc
Queen Of The Forums

Location: Aaaanywhere Sex: Incredible

albummaster wrote:

Imbacktosavethuniverse wrote:

Since this awful place is built on negitivity and horrible comments, I'm pretty sure you guys will be pretty ear if it sucks or not.

I suggest learning English first before starting scriptwriting.

POW!
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