best ever music criticism

[purple]

this thread is dedicated to highlighting the most over-the-top, ridiculous, hilarious writing in music criticism. I'll start us off with a few...

"One imagines Sephiroth twirling a blade. One imagines great plumes of fire reflected in Harrison Ford's instructive eye. One imagines awesome" Clayton Purdom on Flying Lotus' Los Angeles
http://www.cokemachineglow.com/feature/...-2008?pg=3

"These guys are so French I want to force-feed them and cut out their livers. The way our butts plug in, there are better beats on the damn Jadakiss CD." Robert Christgau on Daft Punk's Discovery

FYI Pitchfork, Cokemachineglow, and Christgau are goldmines. go!

[Applerill]

This is easy.

http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/8104-lateralus/

[purple]

http://pitchfork.com/reviews/albums/9464-shine-on/

[alelsupreme]

http://www.scaruffi.com/vol6/aqua.html

I think this is funny too, just for the scores.