Some More Of My Lyrics I want YOU to see. - Music

toot1231

Rate them please some are still being worked on.

1. Unfinished

Been lone here at the bottom of the pack
Cold and wet but, no sorrow.

Been stuck here theres no goin back.
No time to waste here

Freed myself from the cage ive never had
Ive Never even needed help

Was up before then sucked back down
but my intentions are still well.

for so long
today is so swell
im alone
thats ok as well.
yeah.

2.No title yet
Such a day as this
Im locked in your cage

Animals with no skin
just as dead as me.

the light that lights sun
Sucked in by the hole in the sky
No where to go no where to go
yea!
Yea it is cold again
yea and i would stay away.
from this empty air, error with no escape.

the ignorance has spoken
the ignorance has chosen.

cancer cured my wounds
with 1 shotgun shell.

crooked stairs tripped themselves
over again.

jar of flies rattling around
twindling with a string.
no sound was made.

Yea it is cold again
yea and i would stay away.
from this empty air, error with no escape.

the ignorance has spoken
the ignorance has chosen.

Now here we go
now here we go
now here we go
a rodeo a rodeo
oh romeo oh romoe
figaro figalo figaro

3.Appear /with no chorus yet.

The Devil appeared to me in my sleep
told me im not supposed to dream of these things

dark as the sun that is dark as today
dark as in everywhere it wont go away.

In a basket beside a strawberry field
Thats where I laid before i became real.

And thats when you go
away x2
YEA

a hollowling voice took me away
to a dark distant futuristic place

No im not crazy no im not insane
no im not locked up in a cage or anything.

Hey is for horses is what they all say.
thats more funny than me so I cant really complain.

And thats when you go
away x2
YEA

4. Stranger
I wish that I was born a million years ago today
so I can swim with my friends in the sea so I can
see them be free I need an anylist to erase my mind again
to let me be myself and to let me swim in fishbowl land.

I wish the stars would allign to make a bridge for me to
cross out into the sea I need more friends than me but if it
goes this way ill just be myself in time I wont change my place
but i can still be the same in my head.

we forgot its name
we forgot its name
but I know its underwater
we forgot its name
we forgot its name
but we know its all right now

that thing in water was never to be seen again
never washed up to the sand.
it wasnt in my head.

Please rate 1 - 5
for each one Very Happy

tell me what im doing wrong
and what you do not like
and what you do like.

Guest

yeah.

Puncture Repair

Not really my style, but I'd go 4,3,1,2.

I think Stranger has a lot of promise, 'we forgot its name' is a nice refrain, reminds me of the last few sentences of Cormac McCarthey's "The Road".

Once there were brook trout in the streams in the mountains. You could see them standing in the amber current where the white edges of their fins wimpled softly in the flow. They smelled of moss in your hand. Polished and muscular and torsional. On their backs were vermiculate patterns that were maps of the world in its becoming. Maps and mazes. Of a thing which could not be put back. Not be made right again. In the deep glens where they lived all things were older than man and they hummed of mystery.

That nice idea of something beyond what man it's able to understand - a greater purpose of existence, that's always appealed to me a as a theme.

Appear has interesting moments as well - I like the idea of The Devil being a paternal figure, it almost seems as though he's concerned your dreaming of, what I'm assuming is evil, it's an interesting reverse role.

The rest I think is a little lackluster, I think it feels really generic. We all feel insecure at times, but I feel some of these lyrics sound like how a little kid who thinks he's cool is responding to being insecure. The idea of being 'locked in a cage' is tiresome, overdone. 'Animals with no skin are just as dead as me', doesn't feel like it means anything, it sounds like you're implying you're not dead at all.

I don't want to sound mean, but rather than writing what you think sounds cool and depressing, come up with a theme that's deeply personal to you - death and isolation can be personal, but only in certain situations, focus on exactly that. Use metaphors to explain things that you might feel unable to explain, or create purposeful multiple meanings, or build imagery that suits the theme. The key is to express your inward feelings in a way that's unique, feeling the weight of the world has been described as a cage infinitely - what else could you use to put across that emotion?

Guest

I pretty much echo Puncture (funnily enough, I just finished reading The Road yesterday, and though overall I found it disappointing, pretentious and lacking in substance, I did love that last passage) but this has given me the idea to post some of my writing on BEA. Maybe I can start a little thread in the Lounge and post some of it to see what you guys think. I guess I'll go do that.

Puncture Repair

BrandonMeow wrote:

I pretty much echo Puncture (funnily enough, I just finished reading The Road yesterday, and though overall I found it disappointing, pretentious and lacking in substance, I did love that last passage) but this has given me the idea to post some of my writing on BEA. Maybe I can start a little thread in the Lounge and post some of it to see what you guys think. I guess I'll go do that.

I'm studying The Road at the moment, I think it's well done. What did you find pretentious in particular?

Guest

Puncture Repair wrote:

I'm studying The Road at the moment, I think it's well done. What did you find pretentious in particular?

Just the way some of it is written. The sparse punctuation and writing itself (for the most part) just seemed very pointless and annoying. I'm all for redefining how things are written, and doing interesting, if incorrect, things with grammar and words, but it never seemed to serve a purpose. I read somewhere that we have to go without commodities like the characters, but even then it seems arbitrary, since it just distances us from story and character. The relationship between the father and son was frustrating as well (especially the dialogue). I don't know about them, but if everything was grey and dead, I would want to talk, and find the beauties in speech instead of settling for dead hopelessness (why do they keep on going if there is nothing? The character's actions and thoughts aren't really examined, and the father never explains anything to the son) and half-assed philosophy.

The book presented itself as copious with ideas, but the little ideas were never expanded on fully, possibly because the little ideas were nothing but bleak, dull, pointlessness. It was the ending that I was happy with, because it showed that there is always good and beauty, but it was just too dead and list-like for the most part of the book.

I'm not very good at analyzing things, and I don't feel like finding my copy and quoting passages, but I just didn't really enjoy it. Maybe it was just too sparse for me. A dead landscape, with dead writing filled with philosophy that is never done anything with, its bones are just there to make people say, "This is wise."...You know, when you present such a dystopia, you ought to also present the other side of the coin...The hope, the last little beauties, goodness, or at least some ideas about how we got there, why we got there, how it affects people, and though this book dealt with the latter, it didn't resonate as true with me.

Guest

BrandonMeow wrote:

I just didn't really enjoy it.

I'm not too sure you're supposed to "enjoy" The Road, per se.

Guest

lethalnezzle wrote:

I'm not too sure you're supposed to "enjoy" The Road, per se.

Haha, that is not exactly what I meant. I meant I did not gain anything from it, I didn't...You know what I mean.

JMan

3.5, 2 (kinda a rehash of the first), 3.5, 4

Jackwc
Queen Of The Forums

Location: Aaaanywhere Sex: Incredible

For starters: posting lyrics without music is kind of... silly.
They become so out of context. Without music, lyrics become poetry, and most lyrics can't hold up as poetry. These are among that variety, for the most part.

The first two are particularly angsty, and shallow angst is never a good quality in any writing. The others are alright, all a little bland though. Would be better with some grunge in the background (I assume these are grunge lyrics because they read just like grunge lyrics).

But, you know, again, it's hard to appraise because lyrics without music are out of context.

I like this line:
"that thing in water was never to be seen again
never washed up to the sand.
it wasnt in my head."

But this line:
"Hey is for horses is what they all say.
thats more funny than me so I cant really complain."
...is complete fucking rubbish.
_________________
A dick that's bigger than the sun.

Music sucks. Check out my favourite movies, fam:
http://letterboxd.com/jackiegigantic/