BrandonMeow's Writing (Maybe you'll like it?)

[Guest]

Hello, this thread is where I am going to post a little bit of my writing. I hope you guys enjoy it, and I'd love feedback...
I used to write lots of poetry, but I've sort of moved from poetry to prose since I feel like prose is less restricting, and I'm terrible at rhyme scheme, meter, and so on. That's why most of my poems are free verse.
Also, I am fond of nonsense, whimsy, and fantasy, so if you don't like that, this may be a bit offputting.
This is probably my favourite, so I'll post it and see what you guys think, and post more if you like it:

"The king with wires in his crown, plays a game of chess with the twig-crowned king across the river.
And the queen with the dress of silken sandpaper watches from the side.
Laughing at the long lawns of Sisyphean mice-men with cold fingers and moldy minds

The piper poops from his fable fingers, his mouth and his nose,
Like a shooting arrow of simple-sounds and laughs of shattering glass.
His hood is as gray as his skin, and his palm prints shaped like crescent moons.
His handkerchief is hollowed from a silken flag made of melting princes.

Silly geese eat the bad children all in a whole biting motion.
The taste is like the feel of wind on your face and fruit in your cheeks, they say.
Robin Hood did hang from the gallows, but still gives to the poor, as they feast off his numb limbs.
The fox hunt is in session, the howling hoodlums are the kings and wisecracks.

The wise sea-queen made from driftwood and cans of carnival flavored beans,
lifts a baby from the water, an offering to Zeus in the sky.
He gets a little hungry in his godly god tummy when spelunking in Aphrodite’s caves,
And with a strike from his bolt, he molts off his shell and becomes a new deity for the day, maybe Jehovah.

The moon blooms like a flower in Hell, and sets all the Hades and Satans and things to zealots in brown hats, drinking brown molasses.
The brute-knights yank on the swords in the stones, but the serfs snort the stones.
Long fingers tap on wooden pianofortes and the composers have a seizure, creating symphonies of cacophony.
And the birds did chirp, shirk, hiccup, and flutter fly away like a thousand living bowties.

The king with the wires in his crown, was in a pickle after all,
And the twig-king got a checkmate and laughed at the wire-king’s troubles.
And his troubles were thus: his queen was a witch with her legs straddling the lances.
And the king loosely flipped his hands in the empty pools of alimony acid baths.

The whispering wheelbarrows told the secrets of the mandatory monotony of castle life to all,
Then the whole placed laughed and burst like bladders of fire,
their faces red as the salamander’s feet were stomping all along the ground, the marble an’ the dirt,
and the tears were streaming like little men marching, and the pain of living turned to another day in march hare territory,
and the baggy ol' ladies sitting around in circles told each other things that no one cared for,
since the meandering moon was drunken and vomiting out of the valleys, the plateaus were rising from the foothills once more.
So the twig-king sat in a tree with the baby-bone wind-chimes singing with sobs and the trees were away with the trends of things,
He lifted his furry arms and clapped, once, twice, three times, till he sighed, “Oh well”"

[Jackwc]

I'd ask if you want my honest opinion, but then you'd just say yes anyway, so here it is:

Your writing is overwrought and pretentious.

What you're clearly trying too hard to do here is sound sophisticated and you aren't exactly being successful at that. The prose itself is awkward and stilted and more than a little conceited. It's alright, these are pretty common mistakes for someone at your age. All-in-all, it's pretty bad, but you show some promise should you choose to continue to nurture these skills.

Your vocabulary is very good, but you have no concept of flow. I recommend reading some Shakespeare, or anything else with good iambic pentameter, to get a sense of basic fluid phrasing.

And the number one rule: write as you are, not as what you think you ought to be.
_________________
A dick that's bigger than the sun.

Music sucks. Check out my favourite movies, fam:
http://letterboxd.com/jackiegigantic/

[Guest]

[Guest]

Thanks for the honesty. I really didn't intend it to sound pretentious, it was just some nonsense and rambling. If I had to say it was about anything, it'd just be about the absurdity of things. Really, when I wrote these poems, I didn't write them for any other reason than because I enjoyed it. So, I really didn't try to make it sound very intelligent or anything of the sort, it was just a bit of silly ramblings that I liked the sound of. I can see where you're coming from though. Duly noted!

I'm glad I showed it to you guys. So far I've been getting just positive feedback, which is good and all, but it never really points out what I need to work on.
I mean, at first I of course kind of felt like but I am sure this criticism will help me improve.

I do recognize my lack of good flow at times. I actually noticed it was kind of awkwardly written when I reread it before posting, but I posted it anyways, since I like the imagery in this poem. I do need to read some more Shakespeare. I have read Midsummer's Night Dream and I really adored the writing and how it sounded - it just begged to be read aloud.

Maybe I can show you some excerpts from my other writing and see what you guys think? Would you be open to reading some more? Because I think more recently some of the things you mentioned above have been improved on.

[Guest]

Oh, and in regards to the number one rule: I think that is a lovely rule, and I think I do follow it...This was basically me just typing whatever came to mind, which explains the awkward writing.

[JMan]

Type whatever comes to mind more often, because you're GREAT AT THIS.

[Jackwc]

[Defago]

[JMan]

I don't take offense, because you haven't read my book. I'm on chapter 7, and it is the greatest thing I've ever written.

But enough about me. Brandon, write a book on this kind of stuff. Just keep in mind not to be too repetitive, and try out some random gibberish rhymes, too.

[Guest]