Bad Poetry Contest - Authors Revealed!

[nutso42]

Okay, so we got an interesting variety of bad poems, some of which were downright disturbing. So I'll post them all below with the titles, and you can vote on which one you think is worst. After we have a clear winner I'll reveal the user(s) behind the poems. Please refrain from voting for your own poems. And I'd like one writer to note I made slight edits to their poem out of fear of incurring the mod's wrath for posting it in its original version. Sorry.

EDIT: It seems the clear winner is "Yuck" followed in a close second by "Why 99% of Pet Store Owners Give Me Funny Looks". Therefore, please see below to learn the identity of each of the authors.



Massif - by Craola

glassy-eyed girls with honey on their lips
got the midas touch at their fingertips
make their moves while they’ve still got the hips
but woman after woman is a sinking ship
with plastic breasts countering low relief
they polish up and paint their wooden teeth
waiting on a sappy sucker to unsheath
but they have got no heart beneath

be my iron lung; i’ll hold you through the night
we’ll lie together - to ourselves - say it’s alright
and sure, your heart’ll wound me, but the truth's a wrench
so i slip a little sigh and then i hold you tight
our pacemakers resound: an ever-slowing thud
just need a body bag to circulate my blood
lying to ourselves; we say we don't believe in love
lying to each other; saying, "it’s you i love"

and baby, when you kiss me, you’re the sweetest drug
but i'll shrug you like the past when the day is done
cause there’s nothing new underneath this raging sun
and there’s nothing to go back to when you’ve come undone



The Inhumanity of Man - by alelsupreme

Warring nations, stalls selling death
Anarchy rules as man fights Man
Raw recruits jumping over wire

Is this really for the best?
Surely not

War brings nothing
Housing cannot be built when you spend
all on death
Certainly, war
Kills us all?



Fresh is the Art - by Craola

you wasted all your love letters
on all the wrong lovers...ex-lovers
you found yourself a new girl
and now you have to write another
and though you know she’s the one
the words are tied to your tongue
because you’ve used them before
your relinquished rapport




WHY 99% OF PET STORE OWNERS GIVE ME FUNNY LOOKS - noWaxJim

I had a hamster
He looked like a rat
He ate his tail
What a twat

I had a mouse
It couldn’t want for more
Until one day
I dropped it on the floor

I had a gerbil
He loved his wheel
Until one day
He felt quite e-ill

And died

I had a rabbit
He looked like Bonehead (from Oasis)
His end alas was inevitable:
Acute Myxomatosis

I had a very furry pig
I think he came from Guinea
So I sent him back there for a laugh
In a manila bag by Jiffy.

It’s a shame these things have happened
Pet owning doomed to fail
So this Christmas please don’t get me
A snail.

Or a budgie come to think of it.



Desire - SuedeSwede

You make my heart burn,
Like a fire,
Your love only gives me,
Desire,
When I'm with you I burn,
Like a fireplace,
I look at you and I,
See into space,
Give me your heart and I,
Will give you mine,
But don't and I,
Will break your spine,
Then I will chop you up,
And put you in a soup,
I'll eat you up in seconds,
And you'll be in my poop


If Everyone Was a Gummy Bear - nutso42

If everyone was a gummy bear
We'd still have problems but we wouldn't care
Everything around us, all we see
Would be soft and squishy and gelatiny
Nothing in the world would be unhappy
We would live life would no anxiety
We'd die of diabetes but we wouldn't care
Because the whole world is a gummy bear!

We could dance all night, until the break of dawn
And as bears we wouldn't need to have pants on!
Every single one would have a chance
To partake in a stupid Hawaiian dance

If everyone was a gummy bear
We'd all get along and learn to share
We'd declare war on those stupid gummy worms
Until they surrender and agree to our terms
We'd be their masters, oppressive kings and queens!
And slaughter all of those jelly beans
They'll plead for mercy but we won't care
For now the whole world is a gummy bear!

We danced all night on the graves of our foes
Until their guts squished between our toes
But more came around, without a call
And in our stupor, they killed us all


Cherry Street - NickVolos

And what is your life worth?
A few drinks to wash your sorrows away?
Gathering of friends?
A smile tergiversating,
Painted untrue on your face?
Plangent destructions!
Placebos and illusions!
Strive and struggle oh Soul,
Strum on life's chords!
Do not pawn the music you might scent
In your mind's corners
For a few drinks
At Cherry Street tonight...



The Hair of my Shoes - JMan

I saw a fudge in my old slippers, it wore shiny hair.
It sparkled gay, and his nutcrack was scented with flair.
If I had a penny, I would sell it for the hair and Letterman.
And drink my tea while stroking my sexy pet cutterpin.

And I saw Lewis Carroll. I made out with him good.
But then I realized I was a donkey.
I looked down at my legs, all gangstas in the hood.
And all my hair was really rubber, like a donkey.

Now my tea tastes like cutterpins, and my shoes like cheese.
I could chew on my shoes all day if I please.
And wonder why one shoe is a snail, and one is a flea,
While I watch my fudge's soft and bouncy ha-a-a-a-aiiiiiirrrr....
Flow gently in the breeze.



Yuck - Muslim-Bigfoot

My father left me;
at the altar.
This was a dream I had;
it's called Oedipus complication,
or something like that.

I am my parents' only son, so
this is a big blow
to evolution;
But there's always a solution.
Everyone's like "oh, that's gross"
"you want to ---- your father?"
"No", I said, "I want them both".
You're probably thinking:
"This is just a smutty joke;
Perhaps you're on rum & coke".
soak, poke, choke, baroque
you don't understand this poem
it's just a fine pig, in a poke.

"---- off", you say;
"you're not serious.
How can you write something this gay,
on a dream so delirious";
But you don't get this ukiyo-ye.
See, everyone wants his father to ---- him
Stop for a moment and think about it.
Just pause reading this poem
and contemplate your every dream
Stop reading this right now
So you can get why and how
I'm telling you, don't continue
exactly how thick are you?
S---, this is a semantic loop
But I certainly assure you
My father and I are going to elope.


Wreckless Abandon - Craola

plundering purity
in wreckless abandon
and hopeless progression
eschewing nothing
obfuscating the masses
who blunder about
unaware of the mannequins
pulling the strings
with puppet tears and plastic faces
slim as the ace tucked up your sleeve
with a diet of the same
familiar and vulnerable
confident and insecure
curtains collide in the cataclysmic catastrophe
all my glories end that way

[pa]

"Why 99% of Pet Store Owners Give Me Funny" is great !

[Goodsir]

You guys really outdid yourselves here

[pa]

[Antonio-Pedro]

I'm so sad that my mind doesn't have the button "unread", thank you BEA I will have to take this for whole life.
*insert smiths joke here*
_________________
Top 100 Hits you must hear before the u... of beauty

[Norman Bates]

'The Inhumanity of Man' sounds like Bono lyrics. Splendid piece of crap.

[nutso42]

[WindowAbove]

"The Hair of My Shoes" is amazing

[SquishypuffDave]

The sudden escalation of If Everyone Was a Gummy Bear was simply wonderful.

[undefined]

I don't even care I didn't have time to enter. Maybe next time, but these are glorious


Except "If Everyone Was a Gummy Bear" is genuinely fantastic