BrandonMeow's Writing (Maybe you'll like it?) - Lounge

Saoirse

Its subjective to see something as pretentious, so there is no surefire way to avoid it. Personally I always preach brevity when it comes to writing and to make it more about the core of the story rather than all the little toppings you put on it, but that's just one opinion. And in this user's humble opinion the most important thing I have found in a great piece of prose is that there always needs to be a clear cut vision to the whole thing, not all the energy focusing in on exactly how you want to say something but rather that the big picture of the whole piece has something substantial to think about and mull after it's initially read. Style is important, but it's a compliment to the main story, not the entire dish in itself.

I think my only real major critcism of the work is that, as a writer, you seem to focus too much in this piece in how you want to say something over what message you're trying to convey, and that to some may come across as rather pretentious. However, you're vocabulary is quite rich and there's certainly plenty of palpable ambition and drive to spare, so I think if the substance beneath the writing becomes more fleshed out it can be an excellent piece of writing. Just keep working on making the core idea of the piece (which admittingly Im a little mystified by) a little more coherent and maybe trim the outer crust just a little bit.

ptaylor1989

Age: 34

an_outlaw wrote:

I think you have come to wrong place. The question is a tough one and you're much more likely to get advice from know-it-all's here than people who could give a genuinely well thought out answer. Writing literature is not a strong point for many users.

absolutely not true. I majored in Literature, and minored in poetry. I know many people on this site love the art of writing. I'll give you pointers through PM.
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Defago
Your Most Favorite User

Gender: Male
Age: 31
Location: Lima

BrandonMeow wrote:

So, I have a question. It may sound silly, but bear with me.
How do you not sound pretentious when you try to play with words, evoke emotion, make the reader think, ramble nonsensically, etc.?

I don't know. I'm kind of discouraged, mostly because when I wrote that poem above I wrote it purely for myself, because it amused me, and it reflected my thoughts at the time. I don't think my writing is the best in the world (that award goes to Mervyn Peake), I don't think it is exceptionally intelligent, and I don't try to make it seem that way...

Mind you, I enjoyed it very much. Better than anything I could ever put out. What put me off a little bit was the use of certain words (Sysyphean?) which make it sound self-important, even if that's not the case. Also I felt certain words were repeated (crown/crowned) where you could've used synonyms.

I repeat, I still liked it very much. The whole fantastical/mystical atmosphere I got from it was very enjoyable, as well as the analogies and absurds (silken sandpaper).

Again, don't really give me much attention as I haven't read nowhere near as close as most of you.

Guest

Saoirse wrote:

Its subjective to see something as pretentious, so there is no surefire way to avoid it. Personally I always preach brevity when it comes to writing and to make it more about the core of the story rather than all the little toppings you put on it, but that's just one opinion. And in this user's humble opinion the most important thing I have found in a great piece of prose is that there always needs to be a clear cut vision to the whole thing, not all the energy focusing in on exactly how you want to say something but rather that the big picture of the whole piece has something substantial to think about and mull after it's initially read. Style is important, but it's a compliment to the main story, not the entire dish in itself.

I think my only real major critcism of the work is that, as a writer, you seem to focus too much in this piece in how you want to say something over what message you're trying to convey, and that to some may come across as rather pretentious. However, you're vocabulary is quite rich and there's certainly plenty of palpable ambition and drive to spare, so I think if the substance beneath the writing becomes more fleshed out it can be an excellent piece of writing. Just keep working on making the core idea of the piece (which admittingly Im a little mystified by) a little more coherent and maybe trim the outer crust just a little bit.

Thank you for the great response!
Yeah, with this poem I really did try to focus on the style or "toppings" more than any actual underlying message. I tried to make more of an atmosphere and tone than an actual story, which I do think has made it seem rather empty. It's like the writing equivalent of a very long guitar solo, I suppose. I can assure you I do focus more on the story, characters, meaning, and so on in my prose. Like I've said, this was just a bit of nonsense.

Guest

Defago wrote:

Mind you, I enjoyed it very much. Better than anything I could ever put out. What put me off a little bit was the use of certain words (Sysyphean?) which make it sound self-important, even if that's not the case. Also I felt certain words were repeated (crown/crowned) where you could've used synonyms.

I repeat, I still liked it very much. The whole fantastical/mystical atmosphere I got from it was very enjoyable, as well as the analogies and absurds (silken sandpaper).

Again, don't really give me much attention as I haven't read nowhere near as close as most of you.

Oh, I like the word Sisyphean! It has something to do with the Greek Myth of Sisyphus, where he is punished by someone (I can't quite recall why or who) and he had to keep pushing a boulder up a hill, and it would roll down, and he kept having to do it over, so by Sisyphean it just means a futile task more or less. I thought referencing a Greek Myth would add to the fantastical/mystical atmosphere present in the work. But I really don't know too much about Greek Myths, so yes, I suppose that could be considered pretentious. I had just heard the myth of Sisyphus before, and I found that word and cataloged it in my brain to use later.

Hmm...I kind of liked how they remained a constant, but I'll take that into account.

Defago
Your Most Favorite User

Gender: Male
Age: 31
Location: Lima

BrandonMeow wrote:

Oh, I like the word Sisyphean! It has something to do with the Greek Myth of Sisyphus, where he is punished by someone (I can't quite recall why or who) and he had to keep pushing a boulder up a hill, and it would roll down, and he kept having to do it over, so by Sisyphean it just means a futile task more or less. I thought referencing a Greek Myth would add to the fantastical/mystical atmosphere present in the work. But I really don't know too much about Greek Myths, so yes, I suppose that could be considered pretentious. I had just heard the myth of Sisyphus before, and I found that word and cataloged it in my brain to use later.

Hmm...I kind of liked how they remained a constant, but I'll take that into account.

I think it was the Gods who punished Sysyphus for being a Titan. I didn't catch it so much as a Greek reference but thought it was a reference to Camus' absurd, which also fit well.

JMan

I think this gibberish is his strong point. How long have you been doing stuff like this?

Writing tip if you're trying to be serious about writing a story: Don't just think of the first things to write from the top of your head. Part of writing is to know your character's mind, personality, likes, and in that way you may be able to write exquisite dialogue, which I believe is one of the KEY components to writing a good story. Also, never forget about putting time into explaining the appearance of a person, place, or thing in a book.

Example (I wrote it and this is a first draft): "Her birthday present was in a box 2 inches high' and about nine inches long and 11 inches high, like paper. But she wouldn't get PAPER for her birthday. That would be silly. wrapping paper was a creamy white color with pictures of little teddy bears wearing tuxedos, Santa clothes party hats, camouflage, and many other strange styles that oddly enough appeared on the same wrapping paper. The bow was a blue bow with sliver stripes throughout the bow patterned in a way so that it looked like a gray and cerulean street to drive on.

She shook the box like she does with most of her presents. Only presents that her parents tell her NOT to shake are the ones she doesn't, as the presents could possibly be something very breakable. She shook the box and held it close to her ear. It didn't make much noise, but it sounded as if it was something soft that made the slight sound of a cloth rubbing against the cardboard. Clothes. She wanted to be disgusted, as clothes are among the most popular but least wanted gifts in the world, but that would've been very rude.

So she opened the wrapping paper as quickly as she could, almost cutting her hands with her long, feminine nails as she carelessly massacred the wrapping paper into a cream-colored mess on the cedar table her gifts were upon. The box that was once bound by teddy bear paper was a black bow with a white stripe, and had the logo of her favorite brand. She quickly opened the box to reveal a pink dress. She quickly pulled it out as it unraveled in front of her. The sleeves were white as porcelain kept together only by a body of pink fluffy cloth with the patterns of tulips surrounding it. Below the magenta waist, the dress had a long flurry of pieces of cloth that were like petals to flowers ranging in color from blush pink at the top to white at the bottom.

She ran into the bathroom to try it on. When she got out, the beauty of the dress and her pale skin and blonde hair fit perfectly together like two puzzle pieces. (SIDE NOTE: Never be afraid to use overused cliches now and then, but not too often.) As she spun around, her parents told her she looked like a spining flower. And indeed she did."

Very girly, I know. I'm straight. I grew up with an older sister. Shut up.

See how I used that much detail describing the dress and the table and the wrapping paper? Now for a little self-posting. People may not believe I'm a good writer here, but I know I have can at least write 1 story that's an 8.5 out of 10. I don't think I'll ever write a perfect 10. I'm not great with movie reviews because I like to keep my movie/music reviews simple, short, and to the point.

Guest

Defago wrote:

I think it was the Gods who punished Sysyphus for being a Titan. I didn't catch it so much as a Greek reference but thought it was a reference to Camus' absurd, which also fit well.

It is surprising it fit well, because I haven't read anything of Albert Camus, though The Stranger is on my to-read list.

Jackwc
Queen Of The Forums

Location: Aaaanywhere Sex: Incredible

JMan wrote:

"Her birthday present was in a box 2 inches high' and about nine inches long and 11 inches high, like paper. But she wouldn't get PAPER for her birthday. That would be silly. wrapping paper was a creamy white color with pictures of little teddy bears wearing tuxedos, Santa clothes party hats, camouflage, and many other strange styles that oddly enough appeared on the same wrapping paper. The bow was a blue bow with sliver stripes throughout the bow patterned in a way so that it looked like a gray and cerulean street to drive on.

She shook the box like she does with most of her presents. Only presents that her parents tell her NOT to shake are the ones she doesn't, as the presents could possibly be something very breakable. She shook the box and held it close to her ear. It didn't make much noise, but it sounded as if it was something soft that made the slight sound of a cloth rubbing against the cardboard. Clothes. She wanted to be disgusted, as clothes are among the most popular but least wanted gifts in the world, but that would've been very rude.

So she opened the wrapping paper as quickly as she could, almost cutting her hands with her long, feminine nails as she carelessly massacred the wrapping paper into a cream-colored mess on the cedar table her gifts were upon. The box that was once bound by teddy bear paper was a black bow with a white stripe, and had the logo of her favorite brand. She quickly opened the box to reveal a pink dress. She quickly pulled it out as it unraveled in front of her. The sleeves were white as porcelain kept together only by a body of pink fluffy cloth with the patterns of tulips surrounding it. Below the magenta waist, the dress had a long flurry of pieces of cloth that were like petals to flowers ranging in color from blush pink at the top to white at the bottom.

She ran into the bathroom to try it on. When she got out, the beauty of the dress and her pale skin and blonde hair fit perfectly together like two puzzle pieces. (SIDE NOTE: Never be afraid to use overused cliches now and then, but not too often.) As she spun around, her parents told her she looked like a spining flower. And indeed she did."

A touch flavourless, I'm afraid; lacks character. Reads like the work of someone who has read too much teen fiction, particularly Stephanie Meyer.
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Music sucks. Check out my favourite movies, fam:
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Guest

JMan wrote:

I think this gibberish is his strong point. How long have you been doing stuff like this?

Writing tip if you're trying to be serious about writing a story: Don't just think of the first things to write from the top of your head. Part of writing is to know your character's mind, personality, likes, and in that way you may be able to write exquisite dialogue, which I believe is one of the KEY components to writing a good story. Also, never forget about putting time into explaining the appearance of a person, place, or thing in a book.

Example (I wrote it and this is a first draft): "Her birthday present was in a box 2 inches high' and about nine inches long and 11 inches high, like paper. But she wouldn't get PAPER for her birthday. That would be silly. wrapping paper was a creamy white color with pictures of little teddy bears wearing tuxedos, Santa clothes party hats, camouflage, and many other strange styles that oddly enough appeared on the same wrapping paper. The bow was a blue bow with sliver stripes throughout the bow patterned in a way so that it looked like a gray and cerulean street to drive on.

She shook the box like she does with most of her presents. Only presents that her parents tell her NOT to shake are the ones she doesn't, as the presents could possibly be something very breakable. She shook the box and held it close to her ear. It didn't make much noise, but it sounded as if it was something soft that made the slight sound of a cloth rubbing against the cardboard. Clothes. She wanted to be disgusted, as clothes are among the most popular but least wanted gifts in the world, but that would've been very rude.

So she opened the wrapping paper as quickly as she could, almost cutting her hands with her long, feminine nails as she carelessly massacred the wrapping paper into a cream-colored mess on the cedar table her gifts were upon. The box that was once bound by teddy bear paper was a black bow with a white stripe, and had the logo of her favorite brand. She quickly opened the box to reveal a pink dress. She quickly pulled it out as it unraveled in front of her. The sleeves were white as porcelain kept together only by a body of pink fluffy cloth with the patterns of tulips surrounding it. Below the magenta waist, the dress had a long flurry of pieces of cloth that were like petals to flowers ranging in color from blush pink at the top to white at the bottom.

She ran into the bathroom to try it on. When she got out, the beauty of the dress and her pale skin and blonde hair fit perfectly together like two puzzle pieces. (SIDE NOTE: Never be afraid to use overused cliches now and then, but not too often.) As she spun around, her parents told her she looked like a spining flower. And indeed she did."

Very girly, I know. I'm straight. I grew up with an older sister. Shut up.

See how I used that much detail describing the dress and the table and the wrapping paper? Now for a little self-posting. People may not believe I'm a good writer here, but I know I have can at least write 1 story that's an 8.5 out of 10. I don't think I'll ever write a perfect 10. I'm not great with movie reviews because I like to keep my movie/music reviews simple, short, and to the point.

I've been writing for a little over a year.

Yes, I know. I don't write the first thing that comes to mind usually, I write down ideas I have in a little notebook, and I try to loosely construct the plot or theme before writing.

Ehh...Jman, I don't really like your writing too much from what I see here. Considering my writing just got torn apart, I don't think I'm one to talk, but...*shrugs* It's not my cup of tea, I suppose. Confused